Monday, April 25, 2011

Birthday Blog

Looking back over the years of journaling and blogging I am always mystified why, right around my birthday, I am always writing and rarely is it happy, good or positive. I guess for whatever reason the changing of my age gets me thinking about what was or what could be. I've never really figured it out.

Looking back over the year that I was 37 I see a lot of pain. I see a divorce, injuries, a broken computer, a broken heart, the loss of my dad and the loss of my car.

As I faced my birthday yesterday I had a lot to be sad about. I had a lot of excuses to be unhappy and to find a way to me miserable.

Looking back over the day that I turned 38 I can say without hesitation that it was the best birthday of my life.

My life is becoming what I want it to be. The missing pieces of the puzzle have come together for me. The searching and the struggling that we all go through has been worth it. Today, finally, at 38 years young I can say that I have become happy and content.

Believe me. I am NOT done. I am not settling. I am not thinking that I have lived my life and now I can be content will what I have. There is a long way to go BUT I know KNOW what I want and I have now built the right team around me to get it done.

Forward I march with my head held high.

For me the transformation and growth happened is a moment of shear exhaustion and exhilaration as the sun set over a field somewhere near Dunnelon, Florida. I was 12 hours into a mountain bike race that I should not have been doing. I had needed to do it though. I had set out to find myself and sure enough in a flash of continuousness I did.

At that moment my life's focus became four things. Four pillars of me.

Today I look at my four pillars and I see all are strong so, sure enough, I am happy and grateful every minute for this gift that is my life. I am grateful and thus happy.

Now as I go into my 38th year I see nothing but good. I see a strong foundation of a life that has value and worth. I see friends and supporters as far as the eye can see. I see future success, joy and happiness...

Do you want to know what the missing piece of the puzzle was?

Do you want to know what finally tied everything together and makes me feel now that I am the happiest and most content that I have ever been in my life?

Her name is Teresa and I have finally found her.

Together now we go into this life of richness, worth and joy. Together with our heads held high....

Thursday, April 14, 2011

An 8 year old learns a lesson....

I don't remember much about that day.

I remember what she said and I remember crying my eyes out in the hallway by myself. No one to comfort me. No healing words. No should for support.

Just a little boy alone in the hallway of a fire station in Pennsylvania.

It was February of 1982 and I was 2 months shy of turning 9 years old. I remember 3 things from that day. I remember that it was cold. I remember crying and I remember what she said.

The hurtful words from a mother that were over heard by her little boy. Words that hurt for a lifetime taught me a lesson that I will not repeat. Little boys can hear and feel...and hurt.

It was the day of my mothers second wedding. She was marrying a man only 13 years my elder. He was a man that I didn't like. He was a man that didn't know how to be a parent for an 8 year old. It was hard for all of us.

I was so alone at the wedding. All that I remember was that I wasn't involved. I was there watching and not part of the ceremony at all. My mother was my world because my father was so far away and I hardly ever got to see him. Now this man moved in and took away my mother. My little world changed in an instant. Soon they would have kids and it would get worse and I would be a lost boy...

It started that night.

It started when my mother uttered those hateful words.

I just remembered my mother saying, "I'm so glad to be ride of that name".

It was a slap in the face to me and to my name. Her last name was Copley and now it was Lucas. She was so happy to change her name to something different from mine. I loved my name. Those words hurt me so deeply that I found a place to be alone on the happiest day of my mothers life and I cried my little eyes out.

Now I've divorced the mother of my son. He's a little boy and I am getting married. I remember that cold, cold day almost 30 years ago. I remember EXACTLY how I felt.

The first thing that I did when I decided to get married again was to ask my son.

"Will you be may best man?"

Just like Teresa did a couple of days earlier...he said yes. My little boy will not be alone and crying when I get married. He will be right next to me...

Monday, April 11, 2011

Knee Deep in Mud

The mud just keeps getting deeper if you don't throw it back.

I make no secret of my relationship with Teresa. I love her and I truly want to marry her and he with her forever and ever. What you have seen here and on Facebook has been nothing but positive. This is indeed what we are focusing on. I wish that was all there is.

Unfortunately there is more.

If you were very observant (which I KNOW certain people were) you noticed that her relationship status on Facebook changed very quickly from a relationship with another to engaged to me.

I just know some people saw that and thought the worst. Perhaps they thought that Teresa and or I had in some way been shady. This is not the case.

From our perspective neither she nor I did a single thing wrong. We did nothing wrong so if you want to judge either of us based on what you saw on Facebook then that is your choice. There is however another side to the story.

Guess what? It's not for the public to see. All I'm going to say (out of respect for the privacy of me and others) is that there is another side of the story.

There has been a lot said about both of us. Much of it is hurtful and simply wrong. It's OK though because we haven't said anything back. We are taking the high road because that is the correct thing to do.

If you know anyone involved and you have seen the mud slinging I need you to stop for a second and think about it. Think about how there are other people involved and there is another version of what took place.

The mud is getting deep because I am not throwing it back. Soon I know it will stop and we can all get on with our lives. Teresa and I are truly happy and so glad that we have found each other. We really don't care how shady you think we are. We are truly blessed to have found each other....

That is the story.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The lost and found

I was lost for so long.

I didn't know what I was doing or what I wanted. I didn't know what to do. I was married but I felt like something was missing. I loved my wife and we were good together but over the years the strength of the bonds began to wear away. Then one day the string snapped and it was over.

I walked away from 10 years of marriage and I was more lost then I had ever been. I looked and I thought I found what I wanted. I found someone that I could love whole heartedly and I did.

I fought for something but I don't know what. I fought so hard and I don't know why. I won her over and for a while I thought I was happy. Everything that I wanted was right there in front of me in my arms.

I missed the forest for the trees.

I missed the biggest red flag there was. I was so concerned with what I wanted that I didn't accept that I was one a two way road. I was in the wrong lane. In a blink of an eye she was gone and I was left broken.

The brokenness was whole but began to fade.

In time a friend walked into my life to take my hand and help me lift my head back up.

She took the time to get to know me and what I needed from life.

During the process she realized that she had another friend who, like me, was desperately in need of someone to sing to. She placed my hand in the hand of Teresa...

At the moment our eyes met my heart just melted. She was the one that I had been searching for. I was the one that she had been searching for. We learned in very short order that she could complete me and I could complete her. It was like we were two lost souls searching for each other in the darkness.

Darkness never lasts. The dawn came and because of Autumn, Teresa was able to find my hand to hold.

The brilliance of our love for each other can never again be over taken by the darkness of the long night.

We have found each other and are now creating the kind of epic love that people a dream about. I open my eyes all day long and, this isn't a dream.

All my life I've wanted to fall in love and have what I give returned to me with the same passion and enthusiasm. I have failed every time for various reasons. Bad timing, square peg/round hole, distance, circumstances... you get the picture. Whatever the reason I have not been able to create and epic love in 38 years.

I've never given up though. I've fought through so much and I found Teresa Craine and I no longer looking because....

Because she is the one.