Alone

I don't mind being alone but I don't want to be lonely.

I've been sleeping alone for the most part for the better part of 9 months now. I'm used to it but I'm not comfortable. Why? Because I don't want to sleep alone. Does that mean that I can't sleep alone or I am unhappy sleeping alone. Absolutely not. It's just that is not the goal.

I want to wake up next to someone.

I know what the process is. My marriage failed and that is a fact. Putting pressure on myself to find someone to be with is a HUGE mistake. This is also a fact.

None of this takes away from what the end goal is. I want to go to bed next so someone and wake up next tto that someone.

It's a fine line we walk as single people. Sure we want someone but do we need someone? Sure we need someone but do we want someone?

The waters are muddy and the road is a broken one. Each day though brings meaning and each experience brings a new level of understanding.

I am ready now. I am ready to share my life with someone.

But I do not have to.

Me

Take me or leave me. I am me.

Don't like me? I don't like you.

I'm not perfect. You are not perfect.

I don't change and will not change. I do my best with that I have. I will defend you and protect you to the end of the earth if you do so with me. I will be honest with you if you are the same with me.

Disrespect me? Ignore me? Threaten me?

Too bad so sad. I won't lose any sleep I promise you that.

If you don't like and appreciate me for me then I don't care. There is no soul on this earth that is so important to me that I need to be someone else to be a part of their life.

That's crazy, right?

Not really. Part of who I am is being who I am. Sure I'm an acquired taste. If you have the patience and appreciate who I am then you are and will always be part of my life.

If you think that you are better than me and don't trust my intentions then to hell with you.

It's taken me nearly 38 years to know what I want and need and I am just about there.

Do you know what I know?

I need you.

I don't need you.

There. Figure that one out. There is an ART to blogging in code....

I have a date

I make no secret of the fact that I have had a rough last year. The dates stick in my mind like lightning bolts. The numbers may fade someday but for me now these days stick in my minds....

June 3, 2010
October 12, 2010
November 13, 2010
December 5, 2010
February 1, 2011

Days that I wish had never happened but, in a part of the grander play way, needed to happen. Do I feel sad about these days? Yes, indeed I do. But I can honestly say that the end result of each one of these days was an open door to new and exciting challenges.

So in a way a am thankful for these days. (Except for 2/1/11. That was just plain stupid. Why the hell did I have to total my car?? lol)

I bring this topic up because I have decided that today, March 14, 2011 is also going to be a memorable day.

Guess what though? Yeah, no death, no broken family or broken hearts, no accidents. I am going to make this day a GREAT day. I am going to make March 14th a day that I will always remember. Instead of a day to be sad and hold my head low I am going to make this a day like August 29, 2010. That's right, a day of hope and renewed spirit.

March 14, 2011. This is my date to make my life better...

I'm no Santa Clause

So I'm at the trail run yesterday. One of the regulars gets out of his car and starts railing on me. I mean he's just going off. "What's with all this sappy broken road shit on Facebook..."

It was funny even though it had me squirming a little bit.

He said, "you need a list of every single thing that you want from a woman right down to the size of there boobies..."

Really? Even the boobies?

He went on and on. "If there is anything about a girl that you go on a date with that is not on the list then you need to give them the boot right away. You can let them..." Aw never mind about that part.

He had some good points.

Indeed I have small "list" but I ignore it so I guess I really don't have a list.

Do I really need a a list? It makes PERFECT sense. Look for what you want and accept nothing less. Man, I wish it were that simple. Is it? Can it be? What would my list look like. Still not sure I want to take advice from a guy that has been married 4 times BUT he is VERY HAPPY NOW and with the person that he feels he is meant to be with. Is he right? What should my list look like?

In thinking about it the last 24 hours I no for certain that this is not who I am. I am way to emotional. I follow my gut. I fall in love for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time, to the wrong person. This is who I am. It makes sense to me but I am sure that I would disregard my list.

I am so templed to make a list right now for the fun of it....

OK, here goes nothing.

1. I must love them.
2. They must love me.

Phew. That was hard. That's really all I can think of right now....

Courage

I was thinking about courage.

Does it take more courage to stay or to go. Does it take more courage to fight and fight and fight or to give in and give up. Does it take more courage to stand up for what you think is right or realize it is wrong and run the other way.

Looking back on my life I see myself running. I see myself running away from fears and doubts. I see myself giving up and giving in for whatever reason. I can see me running away and never looking back.

I'm like everyone else. Sometimes I want to run. There and minutes, hours and days that I just want to run Forrest Gump style.

When I was young and single I could and I did.

I ran in hope to Colorado. I ran away with fear and regret.

I ran in hope to New Hampshire. I ran away with fear and regret.

Now here I am.

I can't run. Sometimes I think I could but I will not. I have the courage to fight and fight. It doesn't mean that I don't want to. Man, sometimes I feel like walking out the door and not stopping...

The simplicity of my life has created complexities that I never would have dreamed of. The weight of the decisions that I have made are heavy on my back. The who of who I am is sometimes the question of my day...and the dreams of my night.

For now I am sure that I am unsure. I am sure that I don't know from where happiness and contentment are going to come.

I irony of my workout tonight just hit me. I ran laps around the track....it was hard work but I got nowhere. Sounds like my life....