Friday, September 30, 2011

Marble Mayhem

I remember vividly walking through the hot and humid Alabama evening back in June of 2010. For all intents and purposes my life had fallen apart. As I stood on the edge on loneliness I knew that the road back was going to be a long one. I felt like I was at the rock bottom and it was time to climb out.

If I had only known what was in store for me.

I'm glad that I did not.

The coming months would bring injuries, heartache, loneliness and despair that I could never have visualized. The marbles that I was trying to pick up wouldn't get picked up for a long time still.

Troubles in all areas of my life were still coming to bear. I'm glad that I didn't know then would I do know now.

One thing remained through this entire period of my life. This one thing I am thankful for to the very soul of my being. I stayed true to me and who I am. I did my best and I held my head up high. I stayed positive through the hardest period of my life. I did it and I pulled though on the other side a better and stronger person.

Within a few months of my "Marbles" blog in June I would fall deeply in love. Looking back on that I can't say definitively whether that was wrong or right. It was just my heart yearning to love and be loved in a way that I hadn't known in a long, long time. I gave my all to a relationship that I thought was right.

I risked everything and was burned badly.

My father passed away in November and I found myself single, lonely and broken hearted in December. The healing and growth that I had experienced was all washed away in a hectic few weeks that included a trip north for my father's funeral, Thanksgiving and the betrayal of my heart.

The darkness that I had experienced was back.

Slowing I walked the broken road and protected myself. My heart was healing and my life was getting better when I had my accident and lost my car.

Truly, with the exception of my son, all had now been taken from me.

With courage and fortitude I crawled out of what truly was the low point in my life.

That was in February. Since then I have built my business up so that I am making a profit and no longer scared to not pay bills. My heart now belongs to a kind and loving woman who I trust to never to betray my heart. I am planning a wedding and living a life now that is rich and fulfilling.

I have come out stronger on the other side. I faced the hardest period of my life with integrity and hope. I survived stronger and better.

I am now HAPPY for the turmoil. I am glad for all the walls that I had to climb. Losing everything made it possible for me to build everything back up my way.

Now as I stand here, stronger than my circumstances, I am thankful for everything. I have lived through all of this and stand tall.

I will continue to be me forever and do what I think is right. I am thankful for all the adversity. The skies are clear now. No more rain.

Together Teresa and I are off to build an amazing life together with the strength of our wills behind us every step of the way.

Friday, June 17, 2011

What if..

I miss my Dad every day.

Sunday of course is Father's Day. The day we all celebrate our dads. The day we send cards or make a call just to say "hey, love ya dad.." It's a simply day really. A day to show respect for dear ol' dad.

This day had a different meaning to me this year. This is the first Father's Day that I don't have a dad to call. No card was sent. It's the first Father's Day since my dad died.

I'll miss my Dad even more than usually on Sunday.

It's impossible but nice think about. What if you had a moment to just make that call on Father's Day? Just one brief trip to heaven to visit. One moment where reality is gone and heaven just isn't that far away.

What if I could send one letter to my Dad? One card to fill him on on his son's life for the last 8 months. Maybe he's watching over me right now. Maybe, just maybe, with a leap of faith, I can pretend that it is possible and he is here, just long enough to read a letter...

If really can't hurt. Here goes...

Dear Dad,

I miss you each and every day. You are in my thoughts and you are with me in everything that I do. I wish with all my heart that you were still here with us. I wish you could sit down with me just one more time.

Losing you was so hard. A part of me died that day. It's OK though because the way you raised me and the lessons you taught me have enabled me to eventually fly on my own. I am living an amazing life now because of you. Because of what you gave me. For everything I am I thank you.

The end of of last year was so very hard. Trying to rebuild my life, alone, was a challenge. Each day though I felt your presence and support. You were there and I felt it. Thoughts of you and what you meant to me where there through all the tough times. I made it through the darkness and the loneliness. Now I am happier than I could ever have imagined. It's because of what you gave me from the time I was a little kid.

I remember all those years looking up to you. Seeing the example that you set helped me to develop into a man. I saw how you sacrificed and how hard you worked. I learned the lesson that you taught me. I appreciated everything. I hope I showed you through the years how important you were to me.

I could not have asked for a better father. Thank you dad!

I know you can't be here to share my life with anymore and that has been hard. Whenever it rains I always think about you calling me through the years to warm me about bad weather. Whenever it snows on Cape Cod I think about you telling me exactly how much accumulation you got.

So many things make me think of you.

Thoughts of you helped me to re-build my life. Now things are going great for me. I am so very happy.

I wish you could have met Teresa. I wish you could have come to my wedding. I wish that you could see how tall, smart and hansom Colby is. What an amazing boy! He is really turning into a young man right before my eyes.

It saddens me that you aren't here to see him grow and mature.

Just other day I watched him get promoted from 5th grade. I thought about you and how proud you would have been to be there. I know you were watching from somewhere.

Well, Dad, I'm sure that you have been watching and see how great my life is and how happy that I am. I am sure that you are proud. I hope that on November 19th you are looking down on me when I marry the girl of my dreams with Colby beside me as my best man. I know you will be proud of me and what I have become.

I could write pages and pages about the admiration that I have for you. I could write even more about how much I miss you. You already know all this.

As Father's Day comes and goes this year please know that you were the light that guided me through all the times in my life; good and bad. I am who I am because of you. You shaped me with every caring word and every thoughtful action. You defined for me what it is to be a Father, a supporter and a friend.

I love you Dad and I miss you dearly. Where ever you are you are with me... forever.

Happy Fathers Day!

Your favorite son,


Monday, June 6, 2011

The girl that changed everything

I wanted to date. I was lonely and unhappy at the time. I was single so I signed up for a couple of internet dating sites. I met a few nice ladies but nothing that worked....

Actually it was very annoying.

I met ladies that I liked and I thought MAYBE I could get to know and date but there always seemed to be some kind of hangup. I was getting toward the end of my rope.

Then I met her. She was very pretty and very nice. We hit it off very much so on a lunch date. As a matter of fact we got along so well that we planned our second date for that night. We had dinner and enjoyed the company of one another. Afterwards we walked in the park and shared a romantic first kiss in the moon light.

What a great evening. I went hope happy and hopeful that maybe this was the one.

Of course the next day I got the "I'm not ready for a relationship/I don't know what I want" email AGAIN.

I through in the towel and gave up. No more dates. No more searching. No more anxiously checking my email. No more searches on I was done dating. It was too much.

I was trying too hard. Hoping for something and not even knowing what it was. I was lost but was OK with that.

I made a decision to stop right then and there.

You know what? That's when Autumn walked into my life. We went out. We hung out. It was light. It was fun. No expectations. No tomorrow. Just two people seeing each other with no rules and no games. We just had fun and filled a void for each other. It was an amazing time for me to figure out what I wanted and to learn about ME and who I was without trying so hard to be the other half of another.

I stopped looking.

Then Autumn set me up with Teresa...

Just when I stopped looking is when I found everything that I'd always wanted. Life truly is amazing...

Monday, May 9, 2011

All riled up...

and no place to go.

So I've been out of the country. (I've always wanted to just be able to say that. It's a good excuse for not noticing my own blog comments)

Apparently I don't get notifications and anyone can post on blog who wants to. Learn something to everyday.


Just this afternoon I noticed I have some comments on my blogs. Cool. I read them and lo and behold they weren't very kind. Would you believe that there are people out there that don't like my blog? Crazy. I know, right?

The comments were interesting to say the least.

They were from 3 people. (You can read them yourself. They are with the blogs "Knee Deep in Mud" and "Birthday Blog")

What these three people were trying to say was that I rushed into my relationship with Teresea and I need to be whole myself before another "saves" me or "completes" me. Their arguments are interesting and I'm sure that they have strong convictions behind what they feel.

Honestly they are entitled to their opinions and I don't want to argue with what they said.

I do however disagree on principle.

You see we are all different. Despite what the books say or what the bloggers say or what you friends sisters roommate did the fact remains that we are approach and perceive things vastly different. That's what makes life so fun!

This definitely holds true for relationships. I do not profess to know anything about dating. All I know is what I feel and what I want. Are there rules? Maybe. Are there certain things that you shouldn't do. Probably. But are there strict guidelines that we all, as single 30 somethings, need to follow. Clearly there are not.

And it's a good thing.

I have gotten a lot of interesting advice since become single. I have have gone out with some cool women. I've fallen in love TWICE. (Holy CRAP, no way! You can't that! Surely I can and I did...)

I have been lonely and sad and happy and content. I have felt emotions and I own them. Have I been right about everything? Nope. Have I made some bad choices? Yep. Did I do my best with what I had? Indeed I have.

When I separated from my ex wife I vowed to simply be honest with people. I have been brutally honest with all the ladies that I have been friends with or dated and the two that I have been in relationships with. I have even been honest here on my blog. This is a decision that I made and have stuck to. Is that wrong? I don't know...

Those that judge my actions have that right. Those that have tried to sabotage my relationships for there own reasons have that right as well. Those that call me names on my own blog have that right.

My blog is for me and my life is mine. For right or wrong I do and say what I do because that is what is on my heart and it is who I am.

Yeah, I found "the one". Not because I was looking for the one but because she showed up what day and it was my God given right to fall in love with I did.

If you think that is wrong and you wish me ill will because I didn't follow the book then that is your decision. I wake up everyday happy. I go about my day happy. I go to bed every night with a smile on my face because I know that I have found a perfect match for me. If that bothers you then I am fine with that.

You get to live your life and I get to live mine. I wish everybody joy and happiness and I KNOW what is different for everybody. For me I was fine alone but I am truly happy to cool dinner with and plan a life with a girl named Teresa.

She feels the same way I do.

Our lives. Our world. I hope you can find the joy and peace that I have... because anger, judging and name calling won't ever get you what you truly desire. That of course is your it is mine.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Birthday Blog

Looking back over the years of journaling and blogging I am always mystified why, right around my birthday, I am always writing and rarely is it happy, good or positive. I guess for whatever reason the changing of my age gets me thinking about what was or what could be. I've never really figured it out.

Looking back over the year that I was 37 I see a lot of pain. I see a divorce, injuries, a broken computer, a broken heart, the loss of my dad and the loss of my car.

As I faced my birthday yesterday I had a lot to be sad about. I had a lot of excuses to be unhappy and to find a way to me miserable.

Looking back over the day that I turned 38 I can say without hesitation that it was the best birthday of my life.

My life is becoming what I want it to be. The missing pieces of the puzzle have come together for me. The searching and the struggling that we all go through has been worth it. Today, finally, at 38 years young I can say that I have become happy and content.

Believe me. I am NOT done. I am not settling. I am not thinking that I have lived my life and now I can be content will what I have. There is a long way to go BUT I know KNOW what I want and I have now built the right team around me to get it done.

Forward I march with my head held high.

For me the transformation and growth happened is a moment of shear exhaustion and exhilaration as the sun set over a field somewhere near Dunnelon, Florida. I was 12 hours into a mountain bike race that I should not have been doing. I had needed to do it though. I had set out to find myself and sure enough in a flash of continuousness I did.

At that moment my life's focus became four things. Four pillars of me.

Today I look at my four pillars and I see all are strong so, sure enough, I am happy and grateful every minute for this gift that is my life. I am grateful and thus happy.

Now as I go into my 38th year I see nothing but good. I see a strong foundation of a life that has value and worth. I see friends and supporters as far as the eye can see. I see future success, joy and happiness...

Do you want to know what the missing piece of the puzzle was?

Do you want to know what finally tied everything together and makes me feel now that I am the happiest and most content that I have ever been in my life?

Her name is Teresa and I have finally found her.

Together now we go into this life of richness, worth and joy. Together with our heads held high....

Thursday, April 14, 2011

An 8 year old learns a lesson....

I don't remember much about that day.

I remember what she said and I remember crying my eyes out in the hallway by myself. No one to comfort me. No healing words. No should for support.

Just a little boy alone in the hallway of a fire station in Pennsylvania.

It was February of 1982 and I was 2 months shy of turning 9 years old. I remember 3 things from that day. I remember that it was cold. I remember crying and I remember what she said.

The hurtful words from a mother that were over heard by her little boy. Words that hurt for a lifetime taught me a lesson that I will not repeat. Little boys can hear and feel...and hurt.

It was the day of my mothers second wedding. She was marrying a man only 13 years my elder. He was a man that I didn't like. He was a man that didn't know how to be a parent for an 8 year old. It was hard for all of us.

I was so alone at the wedding. All that I remember was that I wasn't involved. I was there watching and not part of the ceremony at all. My mother was my world because my father was so far away and I hardly ever got to see him. Now this man moved in and took away my mother. My little world changed in an instant. Soon they would have kids and it would get worse and I would be a lost boy...

It started that night.

It started when my mother uttered those hateful words.

I just remembered my mother saying, "I'm so glad to be ride of that name".

It was a slap in the face to me and to my name. Her last name was Copley and now it was Lucas. She was so happy to change her name to something different from mine. I loved my name. Those words hurt me so deeply that I found a place to be alone on the happiest day of my mothers life and I cried my little eyes out.

Now I've divorced the mother of my son. He's a little boy and I am getting married. I remember that cold, cold day almost 30 years ago. I remember EXACTLY how I felt.

The first thing that I did when I decided to get married again was to ask my son.

"Will you be may best man?"

Just like Teresa did a couple of days earlier...he said yes. My little boy will not be alone and crying when I get married. He will be right next to me...

Monday, April 11, 2011

Knee Deep in Mud

The mud just keeps getting deeper if you don't throw it back.

I make no secret of my relationship with Teresa. I love her and I truly want to marry her and he with her forever and ever. What you have seen here and on Facebook has been nothing but positive. This is indeed what we are focusing on. I wish that was all there is.

Unfortunately there is more.

If you were very observant (which I KNOW certain people were) you noticed that her relationship status on Facebook changed very quickly from a relationship with another to engaged to me.

I just know some people saw that and thought the worst. Perhaps they thought that Teresa and or I had in some way been shady. This is not the case.

From our perspective neither she nor I did a single thing wrong. We did nothing wrong so if you want to judge either of us based on what you saw on Facebook then that is your choice. There is however another side to the story.

Guess what? It's not for the public to see. All I'm going to say (out of respect for the privacy of me and others) is that there is another side of the story.

There has been a lot said about both of us. Much of it is hurtful and simply wrong. It's OK though because we haven't said anything back. We are taking the high road because that is the correct thing to do.

If you know anyone involved and you have seen the mud slinging I need you to stop for a second and think about it. Think about how there are other people involved and there is another version of what took place.

The mud is getting deep because I am not throwing it back. Soon I know it will stop and we can all get on with our lives. Teresa and I are truly happy and so glad that we have found each other. We really don't care how shady you think we are. We are truly blessed to have found each other....

That is the story.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The lost and found

I was lost for so long.

I didn't know what I was doing or what I wanted. I didn't know what to do. I was married but I felt like something was missing. I loved my wife and we were good together but over the years the strength of the bonds began to wear away. Then one day the string snapped and it was over.

I walked away from 10 years of marriage and I was more lost then I had ever been. I looked and I thought I found what I wanted. I found someone that I could love whole heartedly and I did.

I fought for something but I don't know what. I fought so hard and I don't know why. I won her over and for a while I thought I was happy. Everything that I wanted was right there in front of me in my arms.

I missed the forest for the trees.

I missed the biggest red flag there was. I was so concerned with what I wanted that I didn't accept that I was one a two way road. I was in the wrong lane. In a blink of an eye she was gone and I was left broken.

The brokenness was whole but began to fade.

In time a friend walked into my life to take my hand and help me lift my head back up.

She took the time to get to know me and what I needed from life.

During the process she realized that she had another friend who, like me, was desperately in need of someone to sing to. She placed my hand in the hand of Teresa...

At the moment our eyes met my heart just melted. She was the one that I had been searching for. I was the one that she had been searching for. We learned in very short order that she could complete me and I could complete her. It was like we were two lost souls searching for each other in the darkness.

Darkness never lasts. The dawn came and because of Autumn, Teresa was able to find my hand to hold.

The brilliance of our love for each other can never again be over taken by the darkness of the long night.

We have found each other and are now creating the kind of epic love that people a dream about. I open my eyes all day long and, this isn't a dream.

All my life I've wanted to fall in love and have what I give returned to me with the same passion and enthusiasm. I have failed every time for various reasons. Bad timing, square peg/round hole, distance, circumstances... you get the picture. Whatever the reason I have not been able to create and epic love in 38 years.

I've never given up though. I've fought through so much and I found Teresa Craine and I no longer looking because....

Because she is the one.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


I don't mind being alone but I don't want to be lonely.

I've been sleeping alone for the most part for the better part of 9 months now. I'm used to it but I'm not comfortable. Why? Because I don't want to sleep alone. Does that mean that I can't sleep alone or I am unhappy sleeping alone. Absolutely not. It's just that is not the goal.

I want to wake up next to someone.

I know what the process is. My marriage failed and that is a fact. Putting pressure on myself to find someone to be with is a HUGE mistake. This is also a fact.

None of this takes away from what the end goal is. I want to go to bed next so someone and wake up next tto that someone.

It's a fine line we walk as single people. Sure we want someone but do we need someone? Sure we need someone but do we want someone?

The waters are muddy and the road is a broken one. Each day though brings meaning and each experience brings a new level of understanding.

I am ready now. I am ready to share my life with someone.

But I do not have to.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Take me or leave me. I am me.

Don't like me? I don't like you.

I'm not perfect. You are not perfect.

I don't change and will not change. I do my best with that I have. I will defend you and protect you to the end of the earth if you do so with me. I will be honest with you if you are the same with me.

Disrespect me? Ignore me? Threaten me?

Too bad so sad. I won't lose any sleep I promise you that.

If you don't like and appreciate me for me then I don't care. There is no soul on this earth that is so important to me that I need to be someone else to be a part of their life.

That's crazy, right?

Not really. Part of who I am is being who I am. Sure I'm an acquired taste. If you have the patience and appreciate who I am then you are and will always be part of my life.

If you think that you are better than me and don't trust my intentions then to hell with you.

It's taken me nearly 38 years to know what I want and need and I am just about there.

Do you know what I know?

I need you.

I don't need you.

There. Figure that one out. There is an ART to blogging in code....

Monday, March 14, 2011

I have a date

I make no secret of the fact that I have had a rough last year. The dates stick in my mind like lightning bolts. The numbers may fade someday but for me now these days stick in my minds....

June 3, 2010
October 12, 2010
November 13, 2010
December 5, 2010
February 1, 2011

Days that I wish had never happened but, in a part of the grander play way, needed to happen. Do I feel sad about these days? Yes, indeed I do. But I can honestly say that the end result of each one of these days was an open door to new and exciting challenges.

So in a way a am thankful for these days. (Except for 2/1/11. That was just plain stupid. Why the hell did I have to total my car?? lol)

I bring this topic up because I have decided that today, March 14, 2011 is also going to be a memorable day.

Guess what though? Yeah, no death, no broken family or broken hearts, no accidents. I am going to make this day a GREAT day. I am going to make March 14th a day that I will always remember. Instead of a day to be sad and hold my head low I am going to make this a day like August 29, 2010. That's right, a day of hope and renewed spirit.

March 14, 2011. This is my date to make my life better...

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'm no Santa Clause

So I'm at the trail run yesterday. One of the regulars gets out of his car and starts railing on me. I mean he's just going off. "What's with all this sappy broken road shit on Facebook..."

It was funny even though it had me squirming a little bit.

He said, "you need a list of every single thing that you want from a woman right down to the size of there boobies..."

Really? Even the boobies?

He went on and on. "If there is anything about a girl that you go on a date with that is not on the list then you need to give them the boot right away. You can let them..." Aw never mind about that part.

He had some good points.

Indeed I have small "list" but I ignore it so I guess I really don't have a list.

Do I really need a a list? It makes PERFECT sense. Look for what you want and accept nothing less. Man, I wish it were that simple. Is it? Can it be? What would my list look like. Still not sure I want to take advice from a guy that has been married 4 times BUT he is VERY HAPPY NOW and with the person that he feels he is meant to be with. Is he right? What should my list look like?

In thinking about it the last 24 hours I no for certain that this is not who I am. I am way to emotional. I follow my gut. I fall in love for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time, to the wrong person. This is who I am. It makes sense to me but I am sure that I would disregard my list.

I am so templed to make a list right now for the fun of it....

OK, here goes nothing.

1. I must love them.
2. They must love me.

Phew. That was hard. That's really all I can think of right now....

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I was thinking about courage.

Does it take more courage to stay or to go. Does it take more courage to fight and fight and fight or to give in and give up. Does it take more courage to stand up for what you think is right or realize it is wrong and run the other way.

Looking back on my life I see myself running. I see myself running away from fears and doubts. I see myself giving up and giving in for whatever reason. I can see me running away and never looking back.

I'm like everyone else. Sometimes I want to run. There and minutes, hours and days that I just want to run Forrest Gump style.

When I was young and single I could and I did.

I ran in hope to Colorado. I ran away with fear and regret.

I ran in hope to New Hampshire. I ran away with fear and regret.

Now here I am.

I can't run. Sometimes I think I could but I will not. I have the courage to fight and fight. It doesn't mean that I don't want to. Man, sometimes I feel like walking out the door and not stopping...

The simplicity of my life has created complexities that I never would have dreamed of. The weight of the decisions that I have made are heavy on my back. The who of who I am is sometimes the question of my day...and the dreams of my night.

For now I am sure that I am unsure. I am sure that I don't know from where happiness and contentment are going to come.

I irony of my workout tonight just hit me. I ran laps around the was hard work but I got nowhere. Sounds like my life....

Monday, February 28, 2011


Is there a reset button? Sheesh.

What a couple of days it has been. The highs and lows have been enough to make my head spin. Trying to work today has been like a comedy of errors. Can I rewind the clock a couple of weeks and start over again. Man alive WTF. lol

So here I am writing about nothing for no reason then to take a break from my list; which is getting longer by the minute. It's a good thing that I'm laugh through this time period because man alive I feel like I'm in a washing machine.

It's funny because every thing that is good is tempered by something that is drastically wrong. I took a change on love and may have lost it...or maybe not. Likely I did. Won a big race but they messed up the results. Excited for a ultra race this weekend but I can't get my GPS to work. My phone is totally messed up.

Some girl says I'm hot...she's married. Another girl says I'm the guy of her dreams but...

And then there's that other girl....I'll say it again: SHEESH.

I lost the one thing I got from my divorce: the car. At least I got her old can when she got her new car.

My son is great but my relationship with his mom can be rocky.

Jimmini Christmas. I guess I should go back to work putting out fires in my life.

Oh yeah, I really enjoyed sitting on the phone for two hours with technical support for my video camera...

Let's see, programming the way back machine to Valentines Day....

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Book Closes

The book that saved my heart closes. I am not sad. I have no regrets. I do not want the book to go on. I have closed the book and...with a deep breath and skip of my heart I put the book back on the shelf better for the story that it told.

This book was amazing.

It was filled with everything that you want from a good book. It was a book whose words were just as beautiful and heart felt as it's cover. It was filled with romance and passion and drama and amazing people and plots and story and adventure....

It was a book that I will remember for a long time. Each page turned and each chapter completed left me wanting for more and full of excitement and hope. I was enjoying every second of the read.

The book came to an end. The book had a happy ending. It was a happily ever-after story. Nobody got hurt, everybody won. What an amazing ending this book had!

The best part about the book wasn't what the words were. The story was great but it wasn't about the story. The timing were perfect but it wasn't about that. The story was an epic tale but it wasn't the story that makes my heart skip a beat.

It wasn't what I learned from the story but it was what the story taught me.

With all that the story shared with me I never knew until the very end why I needed this story. Now I know and my heart knows....

Monday, February 14, 2011

Somewhere with you

For 11 years Valentines Day with with my wife. We'd go out to dinner or spend quality time in time way. It was always a nice day.

In June I we separated.

Since then I have been separated, single, dating, in love, divorced, in a relationship, single, dating, and single...

It's been a ride this whole making my way thing.

I haven't put pressure on my self to be single or to date or to be in a relationship or to BE anything. I've been just taking it as it comes. Today is the put up or shut up day.

I could go either way but I can say that today I am HAPPY to have a Valentine.

We are not in a relationship. We are not committed to forever or even long term. We get along. We have fun. We talk late into the night. We share time with our children. We have helped each other grow through tough times. A hand to hold. A ear to listen. A person to call... a Valentine.

What the future holds I am not certain. All I know is that I am happy to be going out with a lovely lady today that I can, for today at least, call my Valentine.

Each day and each new experience brings to closer to being complete and being content. Going on a Valentines date makes me smile today....

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Dating Myth

Please define "dating".

Go ahead try.

"Well, two people are attracted and share common interests go out and...." blah, blah, blah.

It's a trick question. There is no such thing as dating. There are simply relationships. It's semantics really. The term dating could mean so many different things. How can you even define dating?

Do you have sex? Do you spend the night? Do you go out with each others kids? Is there a "walk away" clause? Is there "I love you"? Do you live together? Share bank accounts? Have kids?

I think that dating is a myth at best. It is simply destructive and selfish at worst. OK, those a big statements. Let's see it I can explain what I am talking about.

Two people go out for whatever reason. They share times and they "date". There may or may not be a discussion of the future. Why go out anymore? Are you progressing? Are you getting attached? Are you going to break a heart if you leave? Can you see other people? Can the other see other people?

Is there a sense of fairness? What I mean is that are you and your partner on the same page?

"I really like you...."

"I really like you too..."

What's next?

I guess what I am really trying to hash out in my mind is the why of it all. Why "date" and not move forward into a relationship that you value and want to have in a year or two or 10. What is the end game? How long is casual? Can we REALLY share times and perhaps a bed but yet one day say...."I'm done". Goodbye.

How can that EVER be mutual?

If it isn't then dating can be cruel.

It's a lot to think about. I have this talk quite a bit with my ex wife. She and are both is the weird "dating" netherworld where there isn't a "future" but there is a today and a tomorrow. It's not fair and at the end of the day there is always an injured party.

It's a tough confusing world and I admit that I am at a cross roads. I really know what I want to do today but I'm not sure how that makes tomorrow look.

The only thing that I am sure of is that I have a light preserver and I don't see land.

I am happy about that today. Will I be tomorrow? I hope so...I hope so. I'm starting to think that I will be happy the next day as well....

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

She haunts my dreams

I know what it is like to give over my heart to another and then to have it broken.

I know because she haunts my dreams.

The deepest sanctum of my heart is open and invaded in the depth of the dark night. At times when I'm not thinking...I am simply being. These are the times when she arrives...and haunts.

I've moved past the hurt. I am happy. I spend time with my heart saver. Life brings me joy and the sad times are few and far between. At night though, when my feeling are out of my control....

In my dreams she is there. She and I are together again. I feel the utter and complete joy of being near and with the love of my life. Together again and the reality is the nightmare. My soul is light, my fears are calmed. Everything is right. God's plan is back to how it should be. I feel the amazement of a love that can be and see through every wall and barrier.

Then I wake up. Then I realize it was a dream. Like mist of the early morning hillside; unfeeling, untouchable...gone.

At the feeling of sleep fades and the reality of the life seeps into my soul I realize the facts. I see and feel the reality.

She is gone forever. It's almost like her being there was the dream. But she was. For a moment I held onto an angle sent from heaven. Just for a moment though. A moment that, like the dream, it now gone never to be found again. Sadness covers me like a blanket on a cool night.

Then I stand tall and lift my chin up.

What was is no more and it's OK. She wasn't meant for me. I wasn't meant for her. I was wrong and she was right. A wrong love in a wrong time. I breath again and walk into my day.

The healing road is a long when you feel the brokenness from a lost love. The road is long and the road is rough. I have gone a long way and I have a long way to go. Thank God for the help that I have had along the way. The pain is less now. The sorrow gone. I will be complete someday; I will be whole.

At night though she haunts my dreams

During the day I walk the healing road alone but look back to see two sets of footprints.... thankful that my heart saver and hero walks right beside me....

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Have the heart

Do you have the heart?

That was the question that I asked my self as my marriage was ended. Was the fight there? Did I have the heart to do what I needed to do to save my marriage? Indeed I did not. This is why today I am single.

What does that mean? What does it mean to "have the heart"? I don't know really. Is it something that you know if you see? Is it real? Is it a choice.

I just don't know.

Had this talk with a close friend yesterday. A choice needed to be made. A direction needed to be chosen. Path A is one way and path B is the opposite way. If you have the heart then you can choose A. If you don't have the hear then you HAVE TO CHOOSE B. It's all about heart.

It's like running a marathon. If your heart isn't in it then you aren't going to be successful; end of story.

But is the heart an option? Is it a choice?

Can you get out a marathon even if your heart isn't in it? Hmmm...

Isn't that what having your heart in it means? Well if your heart is in it on race day doesn't that mean that your heart is in it? Not if your heart wasn't in your training!

In a relationship you have to have your heart in it or you are doomed. Sure you can pretend for a while. It can work for a spell. You can pretend and you can even seem happy for a while.

At the end of the day, when the sun goes down and the dust settle all that really matters is if your heart is in it.

Love, lust, desire, connection....none of this matters. It all comes down to the question. Do you have the heart? you?

Monday, January 31, 2011

Dade City Dreams

I was driving south down SR 301. I didn’t even realize where I was heading until I was there.

All of a sudden I was in Dade City.

My heart started beating its way right out of my chest. My breaths quickened. Right there, on a Saturday evening, driving in my car, geocaching my way to Alafia State Park… I was having an anxiety attack.

I didn’t know that this would happen. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I was driving through Dade City. I hadn’t occurred to me the way it would feel to be here again; it hurt.

This is the place that it all ended for me; the end of a short, but meaningful, relationship… with an amazing girl. 

It ended right here is Dade City.

The memories of that day and the months before still haunt me.

Every day now brings news experiences and new challenges. The hurts still runs… but not as deep. The feelings overwhelm… but not as much. The healing continues… but is not done. The memories of that day and the weeks that followed will be with me for the rest of my life but…the resulting hurt has continues to fade.

While in Dade City instead of finding tears I found a friend to text. She said this, “Eventually you will be able to say, “I loved her and we had good times, that book  got closed sooner that I think it should but only for a better one to be opened””. Good words from a good friend.

The sadness of a loss hurts. The prospects of the future heal. The tide has turned and the hurt is fading and the promise is growing.

I am so glad that I have a hero to lean on at these times when I need a friend. THANK YOU.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Bearded single dude seeks...ah whatever

I am growing my hair out. Hmmmm....

Should I? Why not? Why?

Because of the fact that I am losing my hair on the top of my head I have been shaving my cranium for a good many years now. I do this because, frankly, I'm a little embarrassed to be losing my hair.

Should I really be though? I look younger with a shaved head. Is that what I am going for? Since I am single should I try to make myself as physically attractive as possible.

Same goes with the beard. (Or the squirrel as Colby calls it) If I grow out my hair and grow a beard is this going to hurt my chances of finding a mate. How the hell should I know.

This is what I'm thinking. Being alone for now is OK. I have some girls that I go out with and they don't seem to mind the rugged look. I really don't care. I think now that me being me is more important then the hair (or lack or hair in certain places) that I have.

For now the hair on my head is growing out. The hair on my face is doing the same.

If this sends away a potential date then so be it. I didn't want to be with that person anyway. I am OK with that.

I am OK with that.

But man alive my face is starting to itch....

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

X next to wife

So I have been single (aka "not with my ex wife anymore) for almost 8 months. I have two quick observations about what I have observed.

There could be a lot more then two but today I have two on my brain.

There is an old Trace Adkins song that has an interesting line: "Still not used to putting "ex" next to wife".

It's funny because I never got that. I always thought it meant "X" as in I don't have one. Just recently I figured out that it meant "ex". Now that makes sense. The point is this: what do you call you "ex" or soon to be "ex" spouse. If you are married but separated do you still call them "wife" or "husband". I'm sorry but I think it is creepy when you are on a date and the lady refers to her husband. But if you are still "married" are they really an "ex". I guess not. The term husband makes sense but it just sounds wrong.

I think the implication is that there is still something there. I don't know. I've been called my ex wife my ex wife for a while or simply her actual name.

It's just kind of a weird thing that we divorced/separated people have to think about.

The other observation I am going to be a lot less wordy on. As a matter of fact it is going to be very short and not so sweet.

There are a lot of cheaters out there. That's all I have to say about that.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Fix 'er up real nice like

When I separated from my ex things were real hard on us both. It was a huge challenge for a couple of weeks for us to find common ground and understanding. As things got better I wanted very much to have a great relationship with her for our son and for our own sanity. For a while the egg shells went away and we started to build a fragile friendship.

That all got shattered to pieces when she didn't like some of the decisions that I had made. For a couple of months we were enemies and nothing seemed to make things better.

Then she told me something one day. She said that she finally figured out that I was going to do what I was going to do and that was the way things were going to be. In other words - We weren't married anymore.

I also gave up my jealousy and curiosity of her dating. Around the holidays everything lined up the way it should.

Now she is one of my best friends. We talk and text some but not too much. We spend time together but not to much. We don't kiss or have sex but we share time and create some memories.

I tell her what going on in my life. I tell her about the people I date and she tries either laughs at me or....OK, I guess she pretty much just laughs me. I do the same thing to her. We give each other advice and proceed to complete ignore it. It's almost like we are married again.

Out of the ashes or a broken marriage has formed a friendship. We still have our moments of upset; after all we are raising a child together from separate homes. But at the end of the day I am happy that she is my friend.

I am so glad that we fixed that.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Alone in the frozen food section

So I do my food shopping on Sunday nights..alone. Always alone. Most things that I do I can manage to have a friend or a partner but the food shopping I always do alone.

I go to bed alone every night. I've slept alone for a long, long time.

Being single these are just things that I do alone.

Guess what?

It doesn't bother me anymore! True I don't want to go food shopping alone for the rest of my life. Someday I'd love to walk though the frozen food section and pick out dinners or lunches with another. For now though I am used to it and I feel content when I pick up my organic eggs and bananas.

Sleeping alone used to bother me. Not so much anymore. I go to bed when I want and don't worry about whether the light is on or it's too cold or too hot in my room. I climb into bed and go to sleep.

At a point in my life I am going to want someone to kiss good night and wake with in hte morning. I enjoy these things. Today, at night, alone....I am content.

I guess I am growing and learning. I am accepting my roll as a single guy and divorced father.

I have a routine with my son that works. I have an apartment with some decorations that is becoming a home. I have hobbies that I work on when I'm alone. I don't need another write now.

In the future things will change. For now it's just me or me and my boy. He's got his toys for dads house and I've got place for him to sleep.

Things are getting better and better as I make my way towards completeness and happiness. One step at a time...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I wear those shoes too

I was walking down the sidewalk of my apartment complex just the other day. On the opposite walkway going into his apartment was a man about my age. Behind him were two young girls. I would say they were both around 13. Maybe 12 and 14 or 11 and 15. It doesn't matter. They were young girls with their dad.

A thought stuck me.

These girls were going to their dads tiny apartment to spend the weekend. They didn't seem sad. They weren't acting out. They were just doing the "dads house for the weekend" thing.

It did make me just a little sad. These girls obviously were sharing a room and a bathroom. No toys in the playroom. No basketball in the street. No late nights with friends talking about boys. They were spending a night or two in an apartment with their father. I reminded me of my childhood a little. You say goodbye to your one parent to say hello to your other parent. You leave behind your bedroom and your clothes and your friends to spend time with the parent in their apartment.

I felt a little bad for that man. A single dad. A little place.

It really made me think; for a moment I was actually lost in thought.

Then my son almost startled me. "Dad, can I have the key so I can unlock the door".

It was time for me to be a single dad for the weekend...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Book

I opened a book just the other day.

The reasons that I opened this book on that day I may never fully understand. They really don’t matter. I opened the book because I wanted to see what the story was inside. I wanted to experience the wonder of the unknown; the story that needs to be told.

I opened the book and I read. I read with a sense of wonder. I read for me and of because of me. I read for the mere sense of joy and fulfillment that reading can bring. The characters and the story don’t matter to anyone but me. That is not the point. The point is that I opened the book and found joy, wonder and a surreal sense of contentment.

The book had a nice cover but that it not why I opened it.

I NEEDED a book to read but that is not why I opened it.

The book needed to be read but that is not why I opened it.

I opened that book because I believe that there is a plan for my life. I believe that my plan involved me reading into this book. I followed my heart. I didn’t think. I just was. I just did. I just acted. I didn’t think about the consequences or what anyone else thought of the book.

I picked up the book, opened it and found quite a story.

I know in my heart of hearts that this book isn’t a long book. It’s a short story. It’s a story with a distinct ending. One day, not far off from today I will close the book and put it back onto the shelf. Knowing this didn’t stop me though.

You see this book has helped me to grow. This book has helped to guide me down this path that we call life. I am better because I opened this book.

This experience has brought me joy and peace in so many ways. The only despair I feel is the “what if”. The “what if” I never bothered to open this book because I questioned what was inside it or I doubted my plan.

That doubt scares me a little.

Today, though, there is no need for that doubt. I’m reading the book and enjoying every moment of the story.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Compassion in the eyes

I’m starting to really believe that certain people were put into your life for a specific reason. That being said I’m not sure if it’s divine intervention. But then again, what else could it be?

This is just one part of the equation though. Ever heard that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction? Same principle.

Part 1: People were put into our lives for a reason. They were inserted there to HELP. They came with compassion in their eyes. They show up when and where you need them and they save your day, your week, your year…. or your life.

Part 2: YOU were put into the lives of others for a reason. Makes sense, right? For every action there is an equal reaction. You have compassion in your eyes and you save them.

Part 3: You see this and you do the right thing. If the right person at the right time thing is divine intervention then guess what? Yeah, we are given the ability to screw it up. We do this all the time.

Today I ask you these 3 questions:
      Who was sent to you to help you and save you?
2.      Who were you supposed to help and save?
3.       Did you see the compassion in the eyes and did you have compassion in yours?

Think about it.

I’m writing this today because of an experience that I had recently.

I looked up one day and saw compassion in the eyes of a close friend. So what did I do? I had compassion in my eyes. We both saw what was there and helped each other and in ways that saved us both. It was a magical moment to be part of the human experience.

Look around you. Look at your family and friends. Look for it! Look for compassion. Look for ways that people can help you because they can and they will!

You know that is only part of it. Now put compassion in your eyes. Lift your chin up and be guided. You never know when the person in front of you might need you.

They might be crying out for you right now. You won’t know this until YOU have compassion in your eyes….

Friday, January 7, 2011

Lessons from Lori

It was a tough point in my life.

I had just moved back east from my love Colorado. In many ways I was forced to make the move. I was 25 years old with a master’s degree living with my dad and painting houses just like I did when I was 18. I was very single and the prospects just weren’t there. As was normal in my life I had been in a period of low self esteem and dating was difficult to say the least. Let’s just say it had been a while.

Then I met Lori.

It was a local 5k trail run on a Wednesday night. I won the race and Lori was the top female. We talked a little after the race and hit it off tremendously. There was an obvious connection. We did a little cool down run and planned to go out that evening.

As it turned out she was a little older than I was. She was nice and pretty and had a great job. She was a really great girl. She was unavailable to me because she living in Michigan and I lived in Massachusetts but that was OK. I let the connection guide my heart. We went out and had a great time.

We saw the sunset. We had food. We ate ice cream. We laughed. We held hands. We kissed. It was a remarkable and fun evening.

The next day she flew away out of my life.

For a while we exchanged letters. I found out that she ran 2:50 for the marathon and qualified for the Olympic trials. (Drat! She is faster than me!) We lost touch after a few months and I never heard from her again.
I would be married and have a son within 2 years.

The point wasn’t the fling. The point was the lesson that I learned from Lori.

This was a low point in my life. She lifted me up. She taught me a lesson that I have carried with me all these years. The lesson is this: I am worthy.

I can meet a nice girl and say hello. We can talk and flirt and hug and kiss and see what happens. There are good girls out there. If I follow my heart and keep my eyes open they are there. I see this clearly all these years later. I remember the lesson that Lori taught me. I can meet a girl that I really like and that likes me! It may not be forever and the timing may not be right but there are women out there for me.

I am worthy. I am a good guy and a good catch. Just because I feel down about myself doesn’t mean that is the truth. I learned this lesson from Lori many years ago and I am reminded of it now; today.

Sometimes people come into your lives for specific reasons. Lori did that for me 12 years ago.

Today I am at a low point again. Lessons learned are committed to memory. Sometimes all we need is someone else to come into our lives to remind us of the lesson…

Sometimes what we need is right in front of our face….

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Looking back helps to see forward. As 2010 draws to a close and the door to 2011 begins to open up I feel in a reflective mood.


What a year! To me 2011 brings great opportunity and great potential. There is more uncertainly in my life than I have ever felt but, to me, that is a good thing. Lack of certainty presents possibilities. With my head high I am ready to move forward and enter bravely into the New Year.

Before I do that I need to look at, and reflect on, the year that was.

To me the year was a crazy and wild ride full of highs and lows. To the casual observer my year was a tragic one. After all I’ll admit freely that the 10 worst days of my life were easily all in 2010. The three worst things to ever happen to me all happed in this calendar year.

If I dwell I don’t heal. I will remember, yes. But I do not dwell.

If I dwell then I won’t get the opportunity to find good and rise from the ashes what wasn’t there before. This is that life is all about. Don’t shed a tear for me. What more proof do you need?

My marriage of 10 years ended this year. While this was hard it needed to happen. In time we will both be better off in many ways. While this represented a huge life change this is OK. It’s a change that helps us both to grow.

Losing my father this year was a devastating blow. Good came out of this! He lost his battle but he won the war! He lived an extraordinary life. His dying got him out of the tremendous pain he was in. It now hurts those left behind but in time we will all heal.

There was so much good in this year: New friendships, new relationships, new experiences, new opportunities…

I could list August 29th, 2010 as one of the GREATEST days of my life. On this day I completed the Ironman. As someone who so highly values fitness and physical accomplishments I can tell you that my greatest feeling that I have ever had from sports what the moment that I heard the announcer say, “Rick Copley: YOU ARE AN IRONMAN”.

I learned to play the guitar this year. I even played and sang for my dad before he passed away. This gift can never be taken away. The bucket list grows smaller.

I reflect so much this year and I learned so much about myself. I have never written as much as I’ve written this year. I have literally typed thousands of word that have helped me and helped others along this road of life. I feel that I have contributed!

As the calendar turns I can honestly say that I am thankful for the year that was. The hurt and the pain all turned to healing and hope. The sad times grow into happy days and new beginning and new experiences. The year is now gone. The chairs are put up. The tables have been put away. The sadness and brokenness of the low times are gone now. The ray of light of the New Year is shining brightly.

I enter the doorway of 2011 and try the new dance with excitement and joy. I mourn the loss of 2010. I will remember this year forever but now it is time for a new one.

To you 2011 I say bring it on. I am ready for you.

To you 2010 I say thank you. Thank you for bringing me great joy and great hardship; for I learned from both. Thank you for the gifts that you laid at my feet. Thank you for the dance of 99 days. Thank you for the Ironman. Thank you for my son and my family. Thank you for the words that inspire and give hope. Thank you for everything.

The future holds many challenges for me. The future holds much joy as well. I’m looking forward to both. My head is up, my eyes are open... I am ready.

Through the door I go…*deep breath* 

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Race

I was a junior on the Indoor Track team at the University of Massachusetts. I was having a really good season as the team’s top miler. I won most of the meets and ran some great times. Training was great and I was excited for the championship races.

Round one was the Eastern Conference meet. This was a race that I should have one. I did everything right leading up to the race. It was my race to lose. I was confident and ready.

The gun went off for the eight laps of the one mile race and I settled into the position that I should have been. I did everything right and I ran my race. As the laps went on everything was going to plan. I was going to be the champion. I was excited and ready to do what I needed to do.

With two laps to go I made my move. I moved from third to second to…wait, the leader held me off.

With a lap and half to go I had plenty of time. I was still confident and OK with the way things were going. I wasn’t going to be denied my spot as champion of the race. It was meant to me. I knew I was going to be the champion.

With three turns to go I again made my move for the front. Again the leader held me off. This wasn’t supposed to happen; he was doing the wrong thing. This was my race. This was my race to be crowned champion.

Plenty of time. Plenty of time. Plenty of time.

There was just one lap, just 200 meters and just 2 turns left. I made a stronger move this time. I still didn’t get by. Before the last turn I gave everything that I had to get by.

Still nothing. Second place still. I had one more shot. One more shot to win the race. For the first time doubt crept in.

Was it possible to lose this race?

Had I not prepared?

I didn’t know who this person was. I should have found out who this person was. With 30 meters left I realized that my plan had been wrong. My race was the wrong race. I was going to lose the race that I should have won. I was going to lose this important race because I messed up.

I can’t give up. I can never give up. I needed a miracle. There was still the sprint for the line. 30 meters…
20 meters. 15 meters. 10 meters….there is the line….

With one last despite attempt I dove head first for the finish line…….