Monday, February 28, 2011


Is there a reset button? Sheesh.

What a couple of days it has been. The highs and lows have been enough to make my head spin. Trying to work today has been like a comedy of errors. Can I rewind the clock a couple of weeks and start over again. Man alive WTF. lol

So here I am writing about nothing for no reason then to take a break from my list; which is getting longer by the minute. It's a good thing that I'm laugh through this time period because man alive I feel like I'm in a washing machine.

It's funny because every thing that is good is tempered by something that is drastically wrong. I took a change on love and may have lost it...or maybe not. Likely I did. Won a big race but they messed up the results. Excited for a ultra race this weekend but I can't get my GPS to work. My phone is totally messed up.

Some girl says I'm hot...she's married. Another girl says I'm the guy of her dreams but...

And then there's that other girl....I'll say it again: SHEESH.

I lost the one thing I got from my divorce: the car. At least I got her old can when she got her new car.

My son is great but my relationship with his mom can be rocky.

Jimmini Christmas. I guess I should go back to work putting out fires in my life.

Oh yeah, I really enjoyed sitting on the phone for two hours with technical support for my video camera...

Let's see, programming the way back machine to Valentines Day....

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Book Closes

The book that saved my heart closes. I am not sad. I have no regrets. I do not want the book to go on. I have closed the book and...with a deep breath and skip of my heart I put the book back on the shelf better for the story that it told.

This book was amazing.

It was filled with everything that you want from a good book. It was a book whose words were just as beautiful and heart felt as it's cover. It was filled with romance and passion and drama and amazing people and plots and story and adventure....

It was a book that I will remember for a long time. Each page turned and each chapter completed left me wanting for more and full of excitement and hope. I was enjoying every second of the read.

The book came to an end. The book had a happy ending. It was a happily ever-after story. Nobody got hurt, everybody won. What an amazing ending this book had!

The best part about the book wasn't what the words were. The story was great but it wasn't about the story. The timing were perfect but it wasn't about that. The story was an epic tale but it wasn't the story that makes my heart skip a beat.

It wasn't what I learned from the story but it was what the story taught me.

With all that the story shared with me I never knew until the very end why I needed this story. Now I know and my heart knows....

Monday, February 14, 2011

Somewhere with you

For 11 years Valentines Day with with my wife. We'd go out to dinner or spend quality time in time way. It was always a nice day.

In June I we separated.

Since then I have been separated, single, dating, in love, divorced, in a relationship, single, dating, and single...

It's been a ride this whole making my way thing.

I haven't put pressure on my self to be single or to date or to be in a relationship or to BE anything. I've been just taking it as it comes. Today is the put up or shut up day.

I could go either way but I can say that today I am HAPPY to have a Valentine.

We are not in a relationship. We are not committed to forever or even long term. We get along. We have fun. We talk late into the night. We share time with our children. We have helped each other grow through tough times. A hand to hold. A ear to listen. A person to call... a Valentine.

What the future holds I am not certain. All I know is that I am happy to be going out with a lovely lady today that I can, for today at least, call my Valentine.

Each day and each new experience brings to closer to being complete and being content. Going on a Valentines date makes me smile today....

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Dating Myth

Please define "dating".

Go ahead try.

"Well, two people are attracted and share common interests go out and...." blah, blah, blah.

It's a trick question. There is no such thing as dating. There are simply relationships. It's semantics really. The term dating could mean so many different things. How can you even define dating?

Do you have sex? Do you spend the night? Do you go out with each others kids? Is there a "walk away" clause? Is there "I love you"? Do you live together? Share bank accounts? Have kids?

I think that dating is a myth at best. It is simply destructive and selfish at worst. OK, those a big statements. Let's see it I can explain what I am talking about.

Two people go out for whatever reason. They share times and they "date". There may or may not be a discussion of the future. Why go out anymore? Are you progressing? Are you getting attached? Are you going to break a heart if you leave? Can you see other people? Can the other see other people?

Is there a sense of fairness? What I mean is that are you and your partner on the same page?

"I really like you...."

"I really like you too..."

What's next?

I guess what I am really trying to hash out in my mind is the why of it all. Why "date" and not move forward into a relationship that you value and want to have in a year or two or 10. What is the end game? How long is casual? Can we REALLY share times and perhaps a bed but yet one day say...."I'm done". Goodbye.

How can that EVER be mutual?

If it isn't then dating can be cruel.

It's a lot to think about. I have this talk quite a bit with my ex wife. She and are both is the weird "dating" netherworld where there isn't a "future" but there is a today and a tomorrow. It's not fair and at the end of the day there is always an injured party.

It's a tough confusing world and I admit that I am at a cross roads. I really know what I want to do today but I'm not sure how that makes tomorrow look.

The only thing that I am sure of is that I have a light preserver and I don't see land.

I am happy about that today. Will I be tomorrow? I hope so...I hope so. I'm starting to think that I will be happy the next day as well....

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

She haunts my dreams

I know what it is like to give over my heart to another and then to have it broken.

I know because she haunts my dreams.

The deepest sanctum of my heart is open and invaded in the depth of the dark night. At times when I'm not thinking...I am simply being. These are the times when she arrives...and haunts.

I've moved past the hurt. I am happy. I spend time with my heart saver. Life brings me joy and the sad times are few and far between. At night though, when my feeling are out of my control....

In my dreams she is there. She and I are together again. I feel the utter and complete joy of being near and with the love of my life. Together again and the reality is the nightmare. My soul is light, my fears are calmed. Everything is right. God's plan is back to how it should be. I feel the amazement of a love that can be and see through every wall and barrier.

Then I wake up. Then I realize it was a dream. Like mist of the early morning hillside; unfeeling, untouchable...gone.

At the feeling of sleep fades and the reality of the life seeps into my soul I realize the facts. I see and feel the reality.

She is gone forever. It's almost like her being there was the dream. But she was. For a moment I held onto an angle sent from heaven. Just for a moment though. A moment that, like the dream, it now gone never to be found again. Sadness covers me like a blanket on a cool night.

Then I stand tall and lift my chin up.

What was is no more and it's OK. She wasn't meant for me. I wasn't meant for her. I was wrong and she was right. A wrong love in a wrong time. I breath again and walk into my day.

The healing road is a long when you feel the brokenness from a lost love. The road is long and the road is rough. I have gone a long way and I have a long way to go. Thank God for the help that I have had along the way. The pain is less now. The sorrow gone. I will be complete someday; I will be whole.

At night though she haunts my dreams

During the day I walk the healing road alone but look back to see two sets of footprints.... thankful that my heart saver and hero walks right beside me....

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Have the heart

Do you have the heart?

That was the question that I asked my self as my marriage was ended. Was the fight there? Did I have the heart to do what I needed to do to save my marriage? Indeed I did not. This is why today I am single.

What does that mean? What does it mean to "have the heart"? I don't know really. Is it something that you know if you see? Is it real? Is it a choice.

I just don't know.

Had this talk with a close friend yesterday. A choice needed to be made. A direction needed to be chosen. Path A is one way and path B is the opposite way. If you have the heart then you can choose A. If you don't have the hear then you HAVE TO CHOOSE B. It's all about heart.

It's like running a marathon. If your heart isn't in it then you aren't going to be successful; end of story.

But is the heart an option? Is it a choice?

Can you get out a marathon even if your heart isn't in it? Hmmm...

Isn't that what having your heart in it means? Well if your heart is in it on race day doesn't that mean that your heart is in it? Not if your heart wasn't in your training!

In a relationship you have to have your heart in it or you are doomed. Sure you can pretend for a while. It can work for a spell. You can pretend and you can even seem happy for a while.

At the end of the day, when the sun goes down and the dust settle all that really matters is if your heart is in it.

Love, lust, desire, connection....none of this matters. It all comes down to the question. Do you have the heart? you?