Friday, September 30, 2011

Marble Mayhem

I remember vividly walking through the hot and humid Alabama evening back in June of 2010. For all intents and purposes my life had fallen apart. As I stood on the edge on loneliness I knew that the road back was going to be a long one. I felt like I was at the rock bottom and it was time to climb out.

If I had only known what was in store for me.

I'm glad that I did not.

The coming months would bring injuries, heartache, loneliness and despair that I could never have visualized. The marbles that I was trying to pick up wouldn't get picked up for a long time still.

Troubles in all areas of my life were still coming to bear. I'm glad that I didn't know then would I do know now.

One thing remained through this entire period of my life. This one thing I am thankful for to the very soul of my being. I stayed true to me and who I am. I did my best and I held my head up high. I stayed positive through the hardest period of my life. I did it and I pulled though on the other side a better and stronger person.

Within a few months of my "Marbles" blog in June I would fall deeply in love. Looking back on that I can't say definitively whether that was wrong or right. It was just my heart yearning to love and be loved in a way that I hadn't known in a long, long time. I gave my all to a relationship that I thought was right.

I risked everything and was burned badly.

My father passed away in November and I found myself single, lonely and broken hearted in December. The healing and growth that I had experienced was all washed away in a hectic few weeks that included a trip north for my father's funeral, Thanksgiving and the betrayal of my heart.

The darkness that I had experienced was back.

Slowing I walked the broken road and protected myself. My heart was healing and my life was getting better when I had my accident and lost my car.

Truly, with the exception of my son, all had now been taken from me.

With courage and fortitude I crawled out of what truly was the low point in my life.

That was in February. Since then I have built my business up so that I am making a profit and no longer scared to not pay bills. My heart now belongs to a kind and loving woman who I trust to never to betray my heart. I am planning a wedding and living a life now that is rich and fulfilling.

I have come out stronger on the other side. I faced the hardest period of my life with integrity and hope. I survived stronger and better.

I am now HAPPY for the turmoil. I am glad for all the walls that I had to climb. Losing everything made it possible for me to build everything back up my way.

Now as I stand here, stronger than my circumstances, I am thankful for everything. I have lived through all of this and stand tall.

I will continue to be me forever and do what I think is right. I am thankful for all the adversity. The skies are clear now. No more rain.

Together Teresa and I are off to build an amazing life together with the strength of our wills behind us every step of the way.

Friday, June 17, 2011

What if..

I miss my Dad every day.

Sunday of course is Father's Day. The day we all celebrate our dads. The day we send cards or make a call just to say "hey, love ya dad.." It's a simply day really. A day to show respect for dear ol' dad.

This day had a different meaning to me this year. This is the first Father's Day that I don't have a dad to call. No card was sent. It's the first Father's Day since my dad died.

I'll miss my Dad even more than usually on Sunday.

It's impossible but nice think about. What if you had a moment to just make that call on Father's Day? Just one brief trip to heaven to visit. One moment where reality is gone and heaven just isn't that far away.

What if I could send one letter to my Dad? One card to fill him on on his son's life for the last 8 months. Maybe he's watching over me right now. Maybe, just maybe, with a leap of faith, I can pretend that it is possible and he is here, just long enough to read a letter...

If really can't hurt. Here goes...

Dear Dad,

I miss you each and every day. You are in my thoughts and you are with me in everything that I do. I wish with all my heart that you were still here with us. I wish you could sit down with me just one more time.

Losing you was so hard. A part of me died that day. It's OK though because the way you raised me and the lessons you taught me have enabled me to eventually fly on my own. I am living an amazing life now because of you. Because of what you gave me. For everything I am I thank you.

The end of of last year was so very hard. Trying to rebuild my life, alone, was a challenge. Each day though I felt your presence and support. You were there and I felt it. Thoughts of you and what you meant to me where there through all the tough times. I made it through the darkness and the loneliness. Now I am happier than I could ever have imagined. It's because of what you gave me from the time I was a little kid.

I remember all those years looking up to you. Seeing the example that you set helped me to develop into a man. I saw how you sacrificed and how hard you worked. I learned the lesson that you taught me. I appreciated everything. I hope I showed you through the years how important you were to me.

I could not have asked for a better father. Thank you dad!

I know you can't be here to share my life with anymore and that has been hard. Whenever it rains I always think about you calling me through the years to warm me about bad weather. Whenever it snows on Cape Cod I think about you telling me exactly how much accumulation you got.

So many things make me think of you.

Thoughts of you helped me to re-build my life. Now things are going great for me. I am so very happy.

I wish you could have met Teresa. I wish you could have come to my wedding. I wish that you could see how tall, smart and hansom Colby is. What an amazing boy! He is really turning into a young man right before my eyes.

It saddens me that you aren't here to see him grow and mature.

Just other day I watched him get promoted from 5th grade. I thought about you and how proud you would have been to be there. I know you were watching from somewhere.

Well, Dad, I'm sure that you have been watching and see how great my life is and how happy that I am. I am sure that you are proud. I hope that on November 19th you are looking down on me when I marry the girl of my dreams with Colby beside me as my best man. I know you will be proud of me and what I have become.

I could write pages and pages about the admiration that I have for you. I could write even more about how much I miss you. You already know all this.

As Father's Day comes and goes this year please know that you were the light that guided me through all the times in my life; good and bad. I am who I am because of you. You shaped me with every caring word and every thoughtful action. You defined for me what it is to be a Father, a supporter and a friend.

I love you Dad and I miss you dearly. Where ever you are you are with me... forever.

Happy Fathers Day!

Your favorite son,


Monday, June 6, 2011

The girl that changed everything

I wanted to date. I was lonely and unhappy at the time. I was single so I signed up for a couple of internet dating sites. I met a few nice ladies but nothing that worked....

Actually it was very annoying.

I met ladies that I liked and I thought MAYBE I could get to know and date but there always seemed to be some kind of hangup. I was getting toward the end of my rope.

Then I met her. She was very pretty and very nice. We hit it off very much so on a lunch date. As a matter of fact we got along so well that we planned our second date for that night. We had dinner and enjoyed the company of one another. Afterwards we walked in the park and shared a romantic first kiss in the moon light.

What a great evening. I went hope happy and hopeful that maybe this was the one.

Of course the next day I got the "I'm not ready for a relationship/I don't know what I want" email AGAIN.

I through in the towel and gave up. No more dates. No more searching. No more anxiously checking my email. No more searches on I was done dating. It was too much.

I was trying too hard. Hoping for something and not even knowing what it was. I was lost but was OK with that.

I made a decision to stop right then and there.

You know what? That's when Autumn walked into my life. We went out. We hung out. It was light. It was fun. No expectations. No tomorrow. Just two people seeing each other with no rules and no games. We just had fun and filled a void for each other. It was an amazing time for me to figure out what I wanted and to learn about ME and who I was without trying so hard to be the other half of another.

I stopped looking.

Then Autumn set me up with Teresa...

Just when I stopped looking is when I found everything that I'd always wanted. Life truly is amazing...

Monday, May 9, 2011

All riled up...

and no place to go.

So I've been out of the country. (I've always wanted to just be able to say that. It's a good excuse for not noticing my own blog comments)

Apparently I don't get notifications and anyone can post on blog who wants to. Learn something to everyday.


Just this afternoon I noticed I have some comments on my blogs. Cool. I read them and lo and behold they weren't very kind. Would you believe that there are people out there that don't like my blog? Crazy. I know, right?

The comments were interesting to say the least.

They were from 3 people. (You can read them yourself. They are with the blogs "Knee Deep in Mud" and "Birthday Blog")

What these three people were trying to say was that I rushed into my relationship with Teresea and I need to be whole myself before another "saves" me or "completes" me. Their arguments are interesting and I'm sure that they have strong convictions behind what they feel.

Honestly they are entitled to their opinions and I don't want to argue with what they said.

I do however disagree on principle.

You see we are all different. Despite what the books say or what the bloggers say or what you friends sisters roommate did the fact remains that we are approach and perceive things vastly different. That's what makes life so fun!

This definitely holds true for relationships. I do not profess to know anything about dating. All I know is what I feel and what I want. Are there rules? Maybe. Are there certain things that you shouldn't do. Probably. But are there strict guidelines that we all, as single 30 somethings, need to follow. Clearly there are not.

And it's a good thing.

I have gotten a lot of interesting advice since become single. I have have gone out with some cool women. I've fallen in love TWICE. (Holy CRAP, no way! You can't that! Surely I can and I did...)

I have been lonely and sad and happy and content. I have felt emotions and I own them. Have I been right about everything? Nope. Have I made some bad choices? Yep. Did I do my best with what I had? Indeed I have.

When I separated from my ex wife I vowed to simply be honest with people. I have been brutally honest with all the ladies that I have been friends with or dated and the two that I have been in relationships with. I have even been honest here on my blog. This is a decision that I made and have stuck to. Is that wrong? I don't know...

Those that judge my actions have that right. Those that have tried to sabotage my relationships for there own reasons have that right as well. Those that call me names on my own blog have that right.

My blog is for me and my life is mine. For right or wrong I do and say what I do because that is what is on my heart and it is who I am.

Yeah, I found "the one". Not because I was looking for the one but because she showed up what day and it was my God given right to fall in love with I did.

If you think that is wrong and you wish me ill will because I didn't follow the book then that is your decision. I wake up everyday happy. I go about my day happy. I go to bed every night with a smile on my face because I know that I have found a perfect match for me. If that bothers you then I am fine with that.

You get to live your life and I get to live mine. I wish everybody joy and happiness and I KNOW what is different for everybody. For me I was fine alone but I am truly happy to cool dinner with and plan a life with a girl named Teresa.

She feels the same way I do.

Our lives. Our world. I hope you can find the joy and peace that I have... because anger, judging and name calling won't ever get you what you truly desire. That of course is your it is mine.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Birthday Blog

Looking back over the years of journaling and blogging I am always mystified why, right around my birthday, I am always writing and rarely is it happy, good or positive. I guess for whatever reason the changing of my age gets me thinking about what was or what could be. I've never really figured it out.

Looking back over the year that I was 37 I see a lot of pain. I see a divorce, injuries, a broken computer, a broken heart, the loss of my dad and the loss of my car.

As I faced my birthday yesterday I had a lot to be sad about. I had a lot of excuses to be unhappy and to find a way to me miserable.

Looking back over the day that I turned 38 I can say without hesitation that it was the best birthday of my life.

My life is becoming what I want it to be. The missing pieces of the puzzle have come together for me. The searching and the struggling that we all go through has been worth it. Today, finally, at 38 years young I can say that I have become happy and content.

Believe me. I am NOT done. I am not settling. I am not thinking that I have lived my life and now I can be content will what I have. There is a long way to go BUT I know KNOW what I want and I have now built the right team around me to get it done.

Forward I march with my head held high.

For me the transformation and growth happened is a moment of shear exhaustion and exhilaration as the sun set over a field somewhere near Dunnelon, Florida. I was 12 hours into a mountain bike race that I should not have been doing. I had needed to do it though. I had set out to find myself and sure enough in a flash of continuousness I did.

At that moment my life's focus became four things. Four pillars of me.

Today I look at my four pillars and I see all are strong so, sure enough, I am happy and grateful every minute for this gift that is my life. I am grateful and thus happy.

Now as I go into my 38th year I see nothing but good. I see a strong foundation of a life that has value and worth. I see friends and supporters as far as the eye can see. I see future success, joy and happiness...

Do you want to know what the missing piece of the puzzle was?

Do you want to know what finally tied everything together and makes me feel now that I am the happiest and most content that I have ever been in my life?

Her name is Teresa and I have finally found her.

Together now we go into this life of richness, worth and joy. Together with our heads held high....

Thursday, April 14, 2011

An 8 year old learns a lesson....

I don't remember much about that day.

I remember what she said and I remember crying my eyes out in the hallway by myself. No one to comfort me. No healing words. No should for support.

Just a little boy alone in the hallway of a fire station in Pennsylvania.

It was February of 1982 and I was 2 months shy of turning 9 years old. I remember 3 things from that day. I remember that it was cold. I remember crying and I remember what she said.

The hurtful words from a mother that were over heard by her little boy. Words that hurt for a lifetime taught me a lesson that I will not repeat. Little boys can hear and feel...and hurt.

It was the day of my mothers second wedding. She was marrying a man only 13 years my elder. He was a man that I didn't like. He was a man that didn't know how to be a parent for an 8 year old. It was hard for all of us.

I was so alone at the wedding. All that I remember was that I wasn't involved. I was there watching and not part of the ceremony at all. My mother was my world because my father was so far away and I hardly ever got to see him. Now this man moved in and took away my mother. My little world changed in an instant. Soon they would have kids and it would get worse and I would be a lost boy...

It started that night.

It started when my mother uttered those hateful words.

I just remembered my mother saying, "I'm so glad to be ride of that name".

It was a slap in the face to me and to my name. Her last name was Copley and now it was Lucas. She was so happy to change her name to something different from mine. I loved my name. Those words hurt me so deeply that I found a place to be alone on the happiest day of my mothers life and I cried my little eyes out.

Now I've divorced the mother of my son. He's a little boy and I am getting married. I remember that cold, cold day almost 30 years ago. I remember EXACTLY how I felt.

The first thing that I did when I decided to get married again was to ask my son.

"Will you be may best man?"

Just like Teresa did a couple of days earlier...he said yes. My little boy will not be alone and crying when I get married. He will be right next to me...

Monday, April 11, 2011

Knee Deep in Mud

The mud just keeps getting deeper if you don't throw it back.

I make no secret of my relationship with Teresa. I love her and I truly want to marry her and he with her forever and ever. What you have seen here and on Facebook has been nothing but positive. This is indeed what we are focusing on. I wish that was all there is.

Unfortunately there is more.

If you were very observant (which I KNOW certain people were) you noticed that her relationship status on Facebook changed very quickly from a relationship with another to engaged to me.

I just know some people saw that and thought the worst. Perhaps they thought that Teresa and or I had in some way been shady. This is not the case.

From our perspective neither she nor I did a single thing wrong. We did nothing wrong so if you want to judge either of us based on what you saw on Facebook then that is your choice. There is however another side to the story.

Guess what? It's not for the public to see. All I'm going to say (out of respect for the privacy of me and others) is that there is another side of the story.

There has been a lot said about both of us. Much of it is hurtful and simply wrong. It's OK though because we haven't said anything back. We are taking the high road because that is the correct thing to do.

If you know anyone involved and you have seen the mud slinging I need you to stop for a second and think about it. Think about how there are other people involved and there is another version of what took place.

The mud is getting deep because I am not throwing it back. Soon I know it will stop and we can all get on with our lives. Teresa and I are truly happy and so glad that we have found each other. We really don't care how shady you think we are. We are truly blessed to have found each other....

That is the story.