Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A House Divided

I walk into the house that I build. I picked out where the outlets go. I picked the colors for the walls. I painted the wall. I was there when we picked out the pool. I say the roof go on. I watched the whole being build bit by bit. I made the mortgage payment for 5 years. This is my house. This is a house where I helped to pick the lot, the shingles... everything. This was the first house that I built.

I walked around this morning while my son was getting ready for school. It looked the same. There's the couch that I helped to pick out. We picked out that table and those chairs. I remember the day we picked out the picture on the wall. This is my house.

This was my house.

Some things are different. You have to look but things are different. No more wedding pictures. No family pictures. Picture of the kids but not of me. I have been removed from my house. My house is no longer my house.

It is very strange indeed.

My apartment is down the road. I got the nice TV and the spare bed. I have four bikes in a tiny apartment. There are some pictures that I liked. I got some of the dishes. This place I live is just that. It is a place that I live. I have no home.

My home is where my son and ex wife live.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy to not be living there. I am happy that I am not officially divorced. I am happy with my life.

My home is now a place where I don't sleep. That's not my food in the refrigerator. The bad that I picked out and slept in for years is no longer a place when I am welcome. My home is gone.

I guess it is all part of the process.

I think about this on the day my divorce is final. The day that a new chapter of my life is being written. I have moved on and am content with my place on earth.

It just makes me a little sad that my home.... is gone.

1 comment:

  1. it is part of the process....I felt that way for years..!There is something about building a home that adds ownership...and even more is the feeling of the home being 'almost' the same...your fingerprints still on its heartbeat..yet,you are missing from the frames...!! I still drive past my old 'home' and feel like I should just walk in...I still miss it..and yet its just walls and bricks...but,I guess a part of my heart was laid within the foundation!....as possibly was a part of yours....!