I love the new freedom of this blog. I can feel myself starting to open up and move forward with my life. I can feel myself becoming better. I can feel myself improving as a person as I search my soul and embrace what come out.
I received a text a few moments ago from a close friend. It was a response to a text I sent to her.
I said, “I am going to do the single thing for a while.” (Don’t you just love how I define “for a while”)
She replied, “It will help you learn what you like and just how to be “alone”….Eat, Pray, Love BUT man style.”
I am not even going to pretend to know what that means. I guess that I need to see that movie. It’s not the first time someone has mentioned that film.
This is not the first person to mention this alone thing to me either. It seems the “in” thing to do these days. Get divorced, start a blog and enjoy being single. I guess I have an open mind and can explore this.
I am searching for the meaning.
I hate being alone.
Maybe it comes from my youth when I couldn’t get a girl to go out with me to save my life. I guess the essence of being “alone” means being “single”. Yeah, that I don’t enjoy.
Why should I be single? Why can’t I date? Why should I sit at home in my barren apartment with no TV, no internet and no pictures on the walls? Why can’t I go out and enjoy myself? Why should I sit here and feel sorry for myself?
I don’t know.
Part of me can see why I need to take time. Part of me thinks that I don’t.
Has the dust settled yet from my marriage? Is there a manual that says how long that takes. A week? A month? A year? 2 years? I was the one who left my marriage so does that mean its less time. Am I READY to date? To have a relationship? Who says what is enough time and what isn’t?
I’m getting nowhere tonight. Perhaps I’m a little cynical for some reason. Perhaps I need to watch that movie and get back to this post.
I started out wanting to talk about being alone. I do hate being alone. I have rarely been alone since my separation. I have been pursuing something (someone) the entire time. Right now that is gone; the pursuit is over. As the hurt builds the loneliness takes hold.
For now I weather the storm of pain and emptiness. Maybe tomorrow I’ll figure out what the hurt is and what I should do about it. I need to figure out what is next in my life.
I stop writing tonight without making any ground. I stop writing tonight knowing that that hurt I feel is not from the loss of my marriage. It’s not from the loss of my wife. It’s not the loss of my house and my life. It’s all of that yes but it’s also a bigger loss. It’s the loss of her…
Before I go much further I have to write about her. To be continued….