I’ve always been ugly. I was born ugly and have been ugly as long as I can remember.
When I was in 4th grade I started getting acne. It was just plain awful. I already had self-esteem issues regarding my mom and step-father viewing me as an annoyance rather than a child so the acne was like another nail in the coffin. My clothes were rags, I was unkempt, and in the lowest of the low “stupid kid” classes. I was 10 years old and ugly.
I didn’t help that kids made fun of me. I was known as “nigger nose” and “nigger lips”. It’s weird because there were a couple of colored kids in school and they didn’t seem to notice or care.
From a very young age I learned that I was ugly. This continued for years.
At some point I figured out that I had an aptitude for sports. I thought that if I was the best athlete the girls would like me and I’d be popular. This, amazingly, didn’t work.
For years my few friends were the losers in school and no girl would talk to me; it was because I was ugly.
I’ve figured out over the years that this wasn’t entirely the case but that doesn’t matter now. That is what I thought at the time.
My self-esteem issues sabotaged me at every step. I figured if I liked younger girls then they’d want to date me because I was “older”. Funny, that didn’t work either.
The high school years came and I still didn’t have a girlfriend; I was still ugly. Finally at the end of my sophomore year I got my first girlfriend. She actually liked me. I couldn’t believe it. After a while my mean friends (this was the late 80’s after all) convinced me that SHE was ugly so that didn’t last.
I still figured being a good athlete and liking younger girls would get me a girlfriend; still a bad plan.
As I got older still I had the same problem. I thought I was ugly. No lie. I was ugly. Why would a girl like me?
This became a real problem. I couldn’t talk to girls because I was ugly. Why would they talk to me?
Of course this has created many challenges in my life.
As I got older I developed relationships that weren’t good and healthy. Usually it was with women that I “couldn’t have”. They were either far away, or with another, or not wanting to date. Whatever the reason this is what happened. It just wasn’t healthy. Being ugly sucked. I was never confident in any relationship.
Then I got a girl pregnant and got married. She had only dated ugly guys. Her ex was fat and smoked. Other beau’s were druggies and losers. She always told me that looks weren’t important to her.
Yep, still ugly.
When my marriage ended I realized that there were good looking, wonderful women out there that thought I was good looking?! OMGosh!!
This is part of the reason that I have dated as much as I have.
I am an ugly guy. Today I am starting to realize that I have been living a lie. It’s not about me being ugly; which I am not. It’s about having low self worth; I am my own worst enemy.
Through my alone, soul searching time I hope to come to grips with all this. I think now I have seen the light. I don’t believe myself to be ugly most days. Some days though…