Lightning struck one day. I don’t know that I will ever be the same.
My marriage was over and had been for a while. I continued on as a mere force of habit knowing the day would come when I got the courage to leave or was finally asked to leave. I was unhappy and vulnerable. In some ways I had moved on already. I was lonely.
The lightning struck one day. She came into my life.
I look back now and shutter at the simplicity of it all. I didn’t even know her. She just appeared as a friend one day on Facebook. I don’t know why or how but it simply happened.
A fascination? A crush? Admiration? Whatever was going on we became close friends very fast. That was all it was but there was something there. A connection maybe? A verbal definition may or may not work. It was what it was. An appropriate friendship followed.
Then my marriage ended.
Were the two things tied together? Nope. My marriage had been over for a while and the entry of this person had nothing to do with it. She feared that it was so she ran and didn’t look back.
For 4 months I didn’t hear from her. She was gone and I moved on.
I went about my “single” life of course having no idea what I was doing. I dated because I figured I should. I did my best to adjust to my new life. As the weeks and months wore on I couldn’t get her off my mind. The women that I dated made me happy but not content. At the end of the day I still felt empty.
Then at 1:39am on August 29th she came back into my life via a Facebook friend request. Lightning struck again. The circumstances were a little different now; the playing field had changed. We were both single and could explore something. The “what” we at first didn’t know. I would soon found out.
What was a “crush” months before was now a complete and utter release of emotions. I fell for her with all my heart and soul. She is strikingly beautiful, long flowing hair, tender ,yet fascinating eyes that sparkle and glow. Lips that always smile; soft yet defined.
I placed her high onto a pedestal in my mind. I fell so hard for her is such a short time. To me she was the answer to everything. She was the one that could make me into the person that I wanted to be. To please her I would have to become a true champion in every sense of the word. I needed her. I needed her for me. I needed to be better and in her I saw the “me” that I always wanted to be.
She’d been hurt in the past. She didn’t trust men. She hadn’t dated in a long time but she let me in. For a while she let me in! We talked to the wee hours. We text and chatted and did all the things that two people do in a long slow courtship. She allowed me to hold her for a moment that I cherished. It was truly amazing. It was the fairly tail that I had always dreamt about. She was everything to me. In a few short weeks we had let each other in to each other’s heart and it was so amazing.
I was 100% smitten. This bolt of lightning had gone directly to my soul.
I was so honest with her. I tried my best. No lines. No promises; just words from the heart. This was my chance at the perfect woman for me.
Then one day she ran.
She wasn’t ready, too much complication, not enough heart…. the reasons didn’t matter because I was totally stunned.
She broke my heart and left me totally and completely hollow. We never even got to go on a date.
That is where I am today.
I was married for 10 years. I left my marriage and did some dating. Then she became my life and threw myself into that “relationship” 100%. My heart was broken. Now what? Where do I go from here?
The advice I got was to be single for a while and start a blog. I am doing both. Now as I make my way in this world I am going to figure this out as I go. We are all different and I know that to be true. What “rules” apply to me? What do I need to do to be “healed” or to be whole? I just don’t know.
The truth is that I want to find out. I want to be happy and content. I want to find a person to share my hopes and dreams with. I want to be whole. I want to be a good person. How does all this match up with a mate? I don’t know.
I just don’t know.