I started my first journal in 1986. I have 5 of them lying around. Years and years of thoughts, feelings, emotions; the who I am and what I am. The words from all those years can well me up with emotions at any given time. Raw and uninhibited. Feisty and emotional. Nothing held back. Thoughts and ramblings of another time. I’ve lost that. I don’t write like that anymore.
Frankly I haven’t in many, many years.
I guess the change came when I got married in 2000. I didn’t stop feeling but I did start to hold back my emotions and my feelings. This in part is why I am a single dad now and not a married husband and father.
I’m sure I’ll write more about that at some point soon.
I love to write and I have been doing a lot of it on my other blogs. Increasingly though I’m finding myself holding back still. I can’t get back to the days of expression like when I was younger. I really enjoy a lot of the stuff that I’ve written recently and some of it has started to get back to the core of me. At the end of the day though I need to express what’s in my heart and on my soul. I need to get back to the days when I was 22 and was making my way and not knowing what was next.
Now I am at a cross roads in my life. I am 37 and single; beginning a new business and a new life. In a way I am embarking on a new journey of self discovery. I’ve had 37 years to figure it out and frankly I’ve failed. Now I am going to focus on this aspect of my being. Today I join the masses of bloggers. I am a blogger; and proud!
Where I go from here now… I’m not sure. Sometimes I’m sure my heart will poor out. Sometimes I’m sure my heart will close up. I am certain though that the world is out there for me. Happiness is out there. True contentment it out there. A mate is out there.
For now I am “Making my way” one day at a time piecing together the lessons of the past with the hopes and ambitions of the future.
The future is uncertain and in many ways so is the past.
Today. Now. I try and figure out both. Welcome to me. Welcome to “Making my way…”