I finally had the cry tonight.
Honestly I’m OK with admitting that. I don’t know if I should or not; but I will. I will admit that I simply lost it. I had just dropped off my son with his mom. I stood in the kitchen doorway frozen in time. I stood there unable to function; unable to move. I was paralyzed. Days and weeks of up built up anger and hurt were about to be released. It came like a flood.
I walked out to the garage with my ex wife. I didn’t want my son to see me like this. I spent the whole weekend with him. It was fun. We kept busy. Sunday it just became too much. I wanted to drop him off and be alone. His mom was busy with her life. I felt worst. Everything made me feel worst. Being in Ferran Park looking at the Christmas lights made it worst. Colby was happy and I was sad. Christmas for me… alone… is not a happy thought.
I held it together for so long. Tonight I lost it.
There are three things weighing on my mind. Each one alone I think I can handle emotionally. Together they are so ever present with hurt on every inch of my soul that I simply can’t escape the pain. The tears have come often especially in the last week.
My dad died on November 13th. I wanted so badly to be strong at the funeral and I was. I delivered the best and most heartfelt tribute to my wonderful father. I stood tall and was strong for my son and for my sisters. I guess I held things in a lot.
Two weeks later I lost her. Falling in love was easy. Having my heart broken was hard. It wasn’t just a broken heart. It was a broken heart on top of a broken heart. I was emotionally shattered. This is where I found my true hurt.
The straw that broke the camel’s back wasn’t either of those. The nail in the coffin of my heart was a thought; a day that isn’t here yet but I know is looming. No matter now strong I try to be the day is going to be a hard day for me.
December 25th. Yes, it’s just another day. It is a holiday that I have always liked but I’ve never obsessed over. I’ve always enjoyed Christmas but let others really get in the spirit. I wish now this year that I had enjoyed all those other Christmases more. This one is going to be tough.
My ex has my son for this one. This will be the first Christmas without my dad. I have no family where I live. I am facing Christmas alone. I’ll drop off my son at his mom’s so he can get his presents from Santa and then it’s just me.
The stocking that my mom made me 37 years ago will stay empty on my couch. I’m sure Colby has a couple of little gifts for me so I’ll have something under the tree. My ex and I will exchange gifts but it is going to be a lonely day for sure.
I did get nice gifts for my son. That is going to be awesome waking up Christmas morning with him. I know he’s going to be more excited to see what Santa brought him though.
I do see the bright side but it is hard this year.
My tears tonight were a culmination of emotions. I’m sure it’s not the last time I’ll shed tears this holiday season. Losing my father, who was so near and dear to me, then less than three weeks later losing the person that I called the “love of my life” is so hard with the holidays coming.
Life does have its ups and downs. I do think that I am blessed. My dad doesn’t have to suffer anymore so I can feel good that he is in a better place. To love and lose is so very hard but it opens up doors that I don’t even know about. Each tear shed leads me closer to healing and moving past the hurt.
I know that life is truly great. I know that there are truly great things in store for me. Tonight, though, I chose to be sad. Tonight I shed tears or sadness that help me to cleanse my soul and bring me closer to what life has in store for me tomorrow.
I hold my head high tonight even though tears stream down my face….