Time is a funny thing. It's one of the feel things that is exactly the same for all of us. I'd put gravity in the same category. While time is in constant it's what we do with it that makes all of us different.
On the brain for me today is time. Specifically how much time do you need to heal and how much time do you need to be alone after a breakup. There are several reasons that this is on my mind.
Apparently there are lots of books out there about post divorce emotions and feelings. There is a class. I've been getting a daily email called "Divorce Care". Apparently there are rules to this divorce thing. I heard that you should be single for 4 months for each year that you were married. Holy crap that is stupid.
Yeah, I think the rules are way to simplified. As a matter of fact I think these rules are dead on wrong for some people. Why do you NEED time after a break up? For some it seems to make sense. For others not so much.
This leads me to the other thought that is on my mind. I have been told this by more than one person. It must be written in some silly book somewhere. The advice is that you need to learn to live alone before you can learn to live with another. You need to be comfortable doing and being alone? What the hell for? Honestly in the future I want to be with someone. I want to share with someone. I've been alone. I can do that. Why do I need to figure out how to be alone, again.
This just makes my head spin thinking about it. Being alone isn't the goal so why learn to do that? Maybe so that we don't rely on a certain person to provide for us? I think that it sets us up for failure in a new found relationship so that we can always say to the other "I'm OK without you". Hearing that sucks. It destroys the relationship.
As I stumble forward I know that I can't be in a serious relationship now. I know that my heart has been broken. I know the hurt is ALWAYS there whether it is on the surface or not. I am not however going to stand outside the fire. I'm not going to purposefully be single just because some book tells me. I'm going to date and have fun. I may even fall in love. I may even get my heart broken again.
I'd rather risk and fail then sit on the sidelines.
Or I could be totally wrong. I guess time will tell.
The only way to be wrong in handling a breakup is by being dishonest with yourself. As long as you enter into your new "post-apocalyptic" life with your eyes open, every action you take is the right action for you.
ReplyDeleteJust my humble opinion but it does come from past experience and a painfully logical mindset.
That's an interesting perspective. While I'm not sure such "rules" should be set in stone, or are necessarily applicable to everyone, I do think they serve as a useful guideline to follow. Someone just coming out of a marriage or long-term committed relationship will need some time to not only deal with that loss but also rediscover themselves, and who they are, and the longer the relationship the longer that might take. After all, in a relationship one's happiness is often tied to their partner, so there's going to be a learning curve in order to decouple that, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI would agree that a certain amount of "healing" needs to take place. It's hard to go from serious to serious without time. The problem that I have is when others try to dictate just what is right for you. It's hard when others think they know you are or what you are going to do. People are different. I know today that I need time to heal from my heartbreak. I'm OK with that BUT I don't think a set amount of time is right and I don't think that I need to learn to be alone before I learn to be with another. It's all very complicated. No set of rules can work for every person. That is my opinion. I am OK with being single but I'm also OK with keeping my options open.
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